In honor of Dr. Martin Luther King MONTH.. (hell yea, dammit) I am giving my brothas some much needed assistance in a very important area. Now you DO NOT have to be black, (or even a dude) to benefit from this…… So if you are smart you’ll pay attention.
1. Dont Forget The “R”
Not only should you not forget.. You should STRESSSSS IT! “Good Evening Officerrrrr.” The G too, if you are able.
I bought my first car on the back roads of North Carolina, as a young specialist in the Army. Even THEN, I knew “Offuh-Suh” just wasn’t going to get it. Without that “R”, Police are already drawing conclusions about you. Drugs, Weapons, Resisting…
Get mad if you want. You’ll know what I mean when that flashlight is shined in your back seat, or when they rip out your upholstery. It could EVEN be said that the absence of an “R” amounts to PROBABLE CAUSE in some areas. “Why’d you have to shoot the nig….uhh… ..I mean SUSPECT?”.. “He didn’t say R”.. CASE DISMISSED..This can save you a LOT of heartache. That’s why it’s Rule Number ONE
2. No more than a 30 degree incline in the seat
I know some of you brothas are TALL, Bubba Smith lookin’ azz dudes who have to pull out the back seat and then look through the sunroof just to drive down the street. The rest of us HAVE NO EXCUSE. ROLL that damn SEAT back forward and stop laying down when you drive!
YOU might think it’s cool, but to the casual observer it REALLY looks like your 6 year old kid stole the car.
When you get pulled over and it looks like you’ve been masturbating in the driver’s seat for the past 25 miles.. NO BUENO! It’s the equivalent of sagging your pants when you walk.
Then you expect someone to believe you were late for work?? And the real TRIP IS.. you probably ARE!! But they won’t be inclined to give you any kind of break. They might keep you longer just to FK with you.
3. PLEASE… Only 1 Joke!!
Assuming you have the first two rules down, let’s move on. Don’t be all JOKEY and Conversational with the cops and sh**.. What the hell is wrong with you? They have a job to do, and there’s nothing worse than someone who thinks they can joke their way out of a ticket… STILL You need to show them you are a human being.. so ONE JOKE, that’s it.
“You know why I stopped you?”
“It was the leg hanging out of the trunk wasnt it?……….. I can explain”
EITHER he/she will laugh about it: At which point you know at least you will leave the situation without a bullet in your azz..
OR they will be some TOTAL Hard-Ass and not crack a smile: That’s cool too. Just shut up and hand over your license. If what you say is funny enough they are probably laughing inside. They will tell their friends at the donut shop and laugh later.
The problem is when you turn into Dave Chappelle all of a sudden.. You seem GUILTY AS HELL, and you might catch a beating for all your efforts. You’ll know I was right when ten more squad cars pull up.
4. Factory Upgrades ONLY
Sorry, “Pimp My Ride” I know there’s an art to what you do… but it’s Baaaadd JuJu (magic) for the brothas…
If you drive a luxury vehicle, with the rims, ground FX, lights and emblems ALL from the FACTORY.. It says “flashy but conservative”.. It also SCREAMS “High-Priced Attorney”.
Cars that have been “3rd Party Pimped Out” have “Public Defendant” written all over them.. Especially when it’s a 25 year old Caprice Classic. Shut Up.. I’ve been there.
5. Radio Station Emergency Quick Change!!
Repeat after me!!! James Taylor / Christopher Cross / Jimmy Buffet
You need a HOT BUTTON in your car that will adjust the seat for you, and switch your current radio selection from “FK The Police” to ONE of these three! Make an iPod PLAYLIST! I SWEAR to you, these artists are the holy trinity of pussifi.. er. pacification.
There is nothing like “Yacht Rock” to soothe the savage beast.
VERY IMPORTANT: Volume at 2 and 1/2!!. The officer will not ask you to turn down the music. Instead they will hear it FAINTLY in the background.
They might walk up wanting to kick some ass, but SUBCONSCIOUSLY, they will be transported to that vacation getaway they took in college.. where THEY TOO… smoked weed. This will enable them to overlook that mild odor emanating from YOUR vehicle. (*ahem)
Black cops are no different. They might think of you as a “Carlton Banks azz ni**a”… but they WON’T be reaching for their gun.. ESPECIALLY if you have followed the previous rules!!
Disclaimer: I’m just trying to help. There are no guarantees in life… but this HAS made things easier for my luxury car driving, lead foot having, frequently pulled over BLACK AZZ.. So Far.